Many people have the opinion, that sex must be spontaneous. In my opinion, this is a wrong and harmful dogma. Sex can be spontaneous. But when sex is only allowed when it is spontaneous, then there is not much occasion for sex:
Although sex is not often seen as a vital necessity, it comes very close.
If you are in the city with some friends and you get appetite, you can make a spontaneous decision to go to a restaurant. Everyone orders whatever he/she wants to eat. Eating together can be very spontaneous.
You can also plan a dinner. If you prepare the dinner yourself, you have to do a lot of planning. If you have the dinner in a restaurant, you have to book a table and you have to reserve time in your agenda. A dinner is never spontaneous. But a quality dinner is often appreciated more than fast-food.
When you want to develop your social life, you have to dine with friends, acquaintances, business-relations etc. The better you plan and direct these social events, the better your influence on your social status.
In the field of dining planning and directing is common practice. It gives a better result. Why should it be different in your sex life? Why demand some people that there sex life is spontaneous?
If you plan and direct your sex life, you take responsibility. Suppose you make an appointment (not a date) with your lover. Next Sunday we get naked between 14:00 tot 16:30 hour, we massage each other, we give each other oral sex for at least 15 minutes each and then we fuck as hard and as long as we can endure.
When you put that in your agenda, you take responsibility. When sex is spontaneous, it just happens. Then your body is responsible, you can not help it. Then you don't have to feel guilty. Then you are not answerable to your parents and parents-in-law, who are always standing beside your bed. (Not physically I hope. But in your mind and in the mind of your lover they are always present, watching, judging, ... Only when you have really liberated yourselves from your parents, you are free from their omni-presence. It is not god who hears and sees everything, your parents are.)
Most people flee from this responsibility. When you feel guilty about your sex life, you allow it to be vague and unconscious. Then you don't take responsibility. Then you do not plan your sex life. As soon as you start planning your sex life, you start a war against your inhibitions and guilt-feelings.
Compare it with unwholesome feeding habits. Mary weights 290 pounds and has an eating-disorder. She decides to eat less, but during the day she just looses control and devours all kinds of fast-food. She does not plan to eat two servings of french fries, five hot-dogs, three burgers and half a chicken.
Things we really want, we plan. Things we disapprove, happen to us. As long as you do not plan and direct your sex life, you run away from your sexuality. It is a clear signal that you do not accept your sex life. Once you start planning your sex life, you start to accept and respect it.
This does not mean that sex can never be spontaneous. If you have planned a dinner this evening and you become hungry at 16.00 hours, you can eat something spontaneous. You don't have to starve yourself because you have planned a dinner. And when you have planned a sex-party with your lover ( or with some of your friends ), and Friday afternoon you want to fuck your lover's brains out, you don't have to restrain yourself. Even if it means that you don't want that sex party the next day. You can just postpone that sex party.
The objective of planning is NOT to reduce your spontaneity. The objective is to make sure that you get enough sex and that you take conscious steps towards a healthy sex life. By doing so, you conquer guilt-feelings, inhibitions and fears. And you develop your sex life in a conscious manner. You are conscious of the objective. The objective can be:
- Development of your consciousness of your sexuality.
- To make sure that your body and your relation gets enough sex of good quality.
Many people take vitamins to stay in good condition and to delay aging. How about vitamin S(ex)? Do you prescribe yourself enough Vitamin S? For example: Two times each week at least one our of Vitamin S of very good quality? If you have a relationship it helps to keep it healthy. When you do not have a relationship, you motivate yourself to take the steps to get enough Vitamin S.
This could mean: going to a (male of female) whore. See my article about Sacred Prostitution.
The Vitamin S must be of good quality. In some old-fashioned relations sex is nothing more then penetration with the penis in the vagina, without foreplay, rubbing up and down and ejaculation. This is enough for pro-creation, but as Vitamin S it is less than nothing. It is harmful. Penetration without foreplay is often painful for the woman. Only when the vagina of the woman is wet, penetration is without pain. When sex becomes painful of disgusting, it is harmful. Better no sex than harmful sex.
Everyone can jump up en down and shake a few limbs. But dancing is something else. When you want to become a dancer, you have to practice systematic. You can learn to dance without a school, but most people learn the best on a dancing school. If dancing is just a hobby, you can go to a dancing school for one or two hours each week. That is not spontaneous but planned. All steps are practiced and repeated. For many people this is the least pleasant part of dancing. When you can make all movements without thinking, you can dance spontaneous. You don't have to consider your next move. And you are no longer afraid that you will fall and break a leg.
Why should it be different for sex? Do you really think that you can make love without practice? Unfortunately almost everyone can reproduce, but reproduction is something else than making love. For a man it is quite easy to inject a woman with semen. And for a woman it is quite easy to get inseminated. That is enough for reproduction. But is is not making love. If you want to learn how to make love, you have to practice. There are no fuck schools in which a very stern teacher teaches you and a dozen other couples how to make love. :-))) If you want to learn to make love, you have to exercise yourself. You can use video's and books for sex education as an aid, but you have to do the exercises yourself.
Many spiritual people reject porn-video's. They are supposed to be vulgar and hostile towards women. But thanks to these porn-video's men know about the clitoris and how to stimulate the woman. Because of this women get better sex. This is a female-friendly aspect of porn-video's. Acting in porn-video's is often bad, sound is bad light is bad and they are not artistic. But they show exactly what to do and how to do it. As a means to get exited they are bad. But once you see them as instruction-video's, they are great. If you have never seen a porn-video, get one and study it. Play the scenes over and over again. Select a nice scene and practice it with your lover, until you know it by heart.
Next three years you practice love-making two times each week for at least two hours with your lover. Today you record a video of yourself and your partner. (Put a camcorder on a stand, focus the camcorder, put it on and forget about it.) Three years later you record another video of you and your partner. After that you view both video's. Do you think there will be a great difference between the two video's? Do you think your love-making skills will improve with three years of regular practice?
Suppose I ask:
What can you do to make sure you will have a great sex life in three years time?
Can you answer this question? Do you have enough new information to improve your sex life? If yes, what are you waiting for? Get your lover and make sure he/she reads this. And get your agenda! :-)))
Have a good sex life !!!
At the moment I am not available.
Often I am available for questions and spiritual guidance via Helderinzicht.
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